What fears hold you back?

Today I did something that I have wanted to do for my entire life, well, at least as long as I can remember.

I never have, and when my mother (who was surprised to learn that I had wanted to do this for so long) asked why I never had, this was my response:

“Because I thought it was silly, and that people would think that it was silly and childish.”

Mom: “I never thought that you cared that much for what people thought.”

Oh if only that were true! I do so wish that it were true…

By now you’re probably wondering what earth-shattering thing that I did today. Well, here it is:
I wore a flower in my hair.

No, I’m really serious.

Now before you call up the nice men in the white jackets, just hear me out. The other day, Tuesday morning to be precise, I had my Tuesday date with God. One of the first things that He said was:

“Have you the slightest idea how much that fear (fear of what people will think) holds you back from the very deepest desires of your heart?”

Ouch!

It’s true, oh it’s so true! I can’t deny one word of it. You see, my entire life has been ruled by expectations (real or imagined) that I had to meet. Decisions were decided based on what so-and-so would have thought or said about it. Even something as stupid as a flower! (Which, for the record, is not one of the deepest desires of my heart... I'm just using it as an example.)

Do you know how pathetic it feels to admit that about 20 years of life?

Um, take my word for it.

So to you, knitting a pink flower and pinning it in my hair might be just a tad bit ridiculous, actually, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. But my point is this, if I’m not going to do something so meaningless based solely on the fact that I think people will think less of me, how on earth could I possibly do something significant if I thought that someone wouldn’t approve?

And so today, I did something that I’ve never done before, and you know what? I loved it!

Seriously, I did! It was so much fun.

Here’s something else God told me the other day:

“Look foolish, Alaina. Face fears, seize opportunities. Don’t run from it, run to it. Forget what you think about yourself. Forget the self-imposed standards of perfection. Forget what others might think about you. Alaina, live life passionately! Not with someone else’s passion, but with the one that I created within your heart.”

Exciting, isn’t it!?

My question for you is this, what is holding you back from being the incredible, passionate, world-changer that God has created you to be?

(And, on the bright side, the odds are you won’t even have to wear a flower in your hair to fulfill it.)

Non Nobis Domine

Dear God.

Thinking over the last year... all the days and moments and smiles and tears that it was made up of. I wouldn't trade it for anything. You've blown me away not just in the ways I asked for, but in countless others too. How can I still doubt? How can I still question? Oh Father, I don't know what you have for this next year... but I do know this: it will be incredible, because YOU are incredible... and you haven't let me down yet. You promised You'd stay by my side, and I believe You.

Whatever it takes.

When 2010 brings on it's worst, I shall then do mine.

I'll climb trees.

I'll chase lions.

I'll risk love.

I'll go down swinging.

I'll hold on through hell.

I won't retreat.

I won't surrender.

I won't pursue any less than absolute triumphant victory.

I'm ready... let's go!

Non nobis Domine.

I love you.

~Alaina

2009 in Pictures

January... designed and knit a caplet for Loops knitting contest... won too.

February... start of Advanced Excel and first speeches...

March... 8" of snow and a medical research paper...

April... khaki cargo skirts and adorable little girls... must be Pre-Excel

May... self-protrait for AE photography scavenger hunt

June... Advanced Excel 17 graduation...

July... Nebraska, Wyoming, and South Dakota... best family vacation EVER!

August... happiness is time with my Rachel...

September... start job number 2... nanny to a three-year-old and newborn

October... a fall wedding in VA, and a day in DC with some of my favorite people on the planet

November... time to take family pictures again!

December... God decided that I could have my swanky camera for Christmas <3

You know something?

Life is pretty good... it's hard... it's challenging... but it's good.

I've seen God's fingerprints all over this year.

I know that He is writing my story, and that it is perfect.

And so, each day, each moment, all of the little tiny details that make up life, are to be remembered and treasured.

Because this, this what makes life worth living.
And all of it is perfect.

Because He is perfect.

Non Nobis Domine.

Life Lessons Learned Rock Climbing

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." - Nelson Mandela

My arms are shaking. Every muscle, even the ones I didn’t know I had, quiver with the exertion of just holding on to the rock. My hands are bleeding from the sharpness of the handholds, and my palms sweat as they always do when I most need them not to.
Looking down probably isn’t the best idea in the world, but I do anyway. Is there any way of climbing down safely before I kill myself on this thing? Nope. Can’t go back now. That would probably ensure falling rather than prevent it. I will simply have to continue, there is no alternative.
Sometime later I reach my goal, the summit that I had been pursuing so tenaciously. I reach up with my right hand to grasp the last handhold and pull myself up to the ledge. With one last great expense of effort I haul myself onto the surface and lay down, breathing heavily.
Eyes closed, with the sun on my face and the cool rock against my back, I smile. I did it! I made it! I didn’t quit, give up, or fail. I open my eyes to let out a triumphant yell, but instead of a yell, I let out a groan.
Oh terrific!
I’m not done. Where I’m sitting, isn’t a summit at all. It’s just a ledge. The summit is much farther up; I just couldn’t see the actual summit until I had gotten past this one.
I begin to analyze the next part of this formation. It’s going to be much, much harder than the one I just finished.
Well this is just wonderful! I’m tired. I’m sore. My arms are still shaking. I just got past one challenge and now I have to conquer another one? Ugg.
I lean up against the rock and draw my knees to my chest, resting my arms on them.
“Really God?” I ask. “Really?”
“Yep.” Says the Voice beside me.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and then I ask.
“So do I really have to keep going? This next part is going to be a lot harder you know.”
“I know.” He replies. “It will always get harder. As you get stronger, the climb gets harder. If there was no challenge, there would be no growth, Alaina. You can’t keep climbing the same twenty feet of rock once you’ve conquered it. You have to keep moving forward.”
“But I know this rock now. I could climb it faster and better. I know what I’m doing.”
He smiled. “I know. So we go to a new rock, so that you will have to keep looking to me to direct you. You get independent too fast, little one, if we stayed here, you would soon forget to ask me for guidance.”
Much as I’d have liked to, I couldn’t argue with that.
“So, is this the end? Will this one be the destination?”
He smiled again. “The only way for you to know that, is to climb it.”
I made a face. I’d have much preferred knowing exactly how far off the destination was, or even what it was for that matter.
I sighed.
He laughed.
“I’m tired.”
“That which is required of you will never exceed the strength you’ve been given. I will never ask too much, Alaina.”
I looked at Him, saying nothing.
He smiled at me. “We’ve come too far to go back now, dearheart. You know that.”
I cocked my head and grinned. “Yep.”
“And I haven’t left you yet.”
“Nope.”
“So,” He said “what are you going to do?”
I looked up the side of the cliff toward the sky and smiled.
“Keep moving forward.”

"A well-ordered life is like climbing a tower; the view halfway up is better than the view from the base, and it steadily becomes finer as the horizon expands." William Lyon Phelps

Life is too short...

Life is too short…

Not to hold the baby while they’re sleeping…

Not to read Dr. Seuss to a little kiddo…

Not to put cream in your coffee…

Not to call someone, just because you were thinking about them…

Not to tell someone what they have meant to your life…

Not to cry at the happy ending of a movie…

Not to eat dark chocolate…

Not to splash in rain puddles…

Not to lay in the grass and enjoy the blue sky…

Not to fall asleep in the sunshine…

Not to dance under the stars…

Not to make time for people you care about…

Life is too short not to tell someone that you love them for no other reason than the fact that you do.

"Pick the day. Enjoy it- to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present- and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."
~Audrey Hepburn

A lesson from the moon...

Last night I was ordered on a date… okay, not ordered, invited, but when the invitation is issued by someone other than your date, it feels more like an order. (I should know, I have definitely issued my fair share of similar orders.)

I was tired, really tired, and wanted a date with my pillow and bed. But, persistence prevailed and I went outside for my moonlit date (the other party insisted that God told them it had to be moonlight.)

I walked out into the backyard and looked at the sky. Nothing. No stars. No moon. Just clouds. I was really confused by this time, why would I be invited on a moonlit date by the Creator of the moon if He knew that the moon wasn’t even out? Didn’t make any sense at all…

Well I talked to Him for a few minutes and then went inside and crawled into bed.

As I was laying there, it hit me…

God: Alaina, did you see the moon?

Me: No, it was behind the clouds.

God: Does that mean that it wasn’t there?

Me: No, it was still there.

God: Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t right there. What could you see?

Me: The light. I could see what was around me, because of the light.

God: Just because the moon was behind clouds, did it stop reflecting the sun?

Me: No.

God: Alaina, when you haven’t been able to see me. When you weren’t sure that I was there. When I was behind the clouds, did that make Me any less there?

Me: No.

God: In the situations that were hard and painful and scary that “covered” me up so that you couldn’t see how I could possibly be in the situation, was I still there?

Me: Yes… you were.

God: Alaina, when the darkness tries to hide the Light, and when the fear tries to push out the love, and when the situations don’t look like they could possibly be good… am I any less in them, then I am in the Light?

Me: No.

God: Alaina, am I big enough to shine my light through the situations that are immersed in the darkness?

Me: Yes.

God: Just like the moon still reflected the sun when it was covered, My plan never stops reflecting my love. I am in all of them. Not one single situation is ever out of my hands.

Never underestimate the power of your God. Never underestimate the power of His love. Never underestimate how far His light can reach.

Never, never, NEVER give in to the darkness!!!

"Now, God be praised, that to believing souls gives light in darkness, comfort in despair."

~ William Shakespeare

Non Nobis Domine!

Keep Moving Forward!

This past year has been… interesting, to say the least. There have been twists and turns in my little story that I certainly didn’t see coming, and usually didn’t welcome with open arms. There have been significant changes and developments. Overall, and looking back, it’s been a good year, I’ll admit. And even more than that, it’s gone better than I would have ever guessed that it could.

Yet, yesterday as I looked at pictures, I was flooded with an emotion that I wish I could say I was a stranger to, regret. Unfortunately, I can’t say that as my life has been full of “I wishes” and “if onlys.”

They had variations, “I wish I hadn’t fought so hard” “I wish I learned faster so that God doesn’t see second degree burns and weeks of being sick as the only way to get my attention” “I wish I didn’t stress out so much over not doing well, that instead I actually took the time to enjoy the amazing and tiny moments of life” “I wish I had been more encouraging to those around me” “I wish that I had looked outside of my own issues to help others” “I wish I’d been a better teammate”

But they all come back to one subject… me. They come back to something that I did or did not do. It comes back to Alaina. It comes back to her personal failures, some big, others not so.

And I guess, that is the whole problem. I cannot fix me. I cannot fix the past. I cannot fix the present. I cannot even guarantee that I will not make some of the same mistakes in the future. Truthfully, I really cannot do anything.

I suppose that is where God wants me to be. Realizing the mistakes I’ve made when I tried so hard to live my life on my own. It doesn’t work. Really. In fact, it’s failure in big red blinking neon lights! Because, I did try to be a good friend. I did try to be willing to let people in. I did try to not stress out over perfection. I did try to encourage and help and support. I think that sometimes I succeeded in my goals, sometimes I did surrender and let God work through me, but not always. Because I cannot succeed without God’s help, to be blunt, anything without Him is a failure.

In the Disney movie, Meet the Robinsons, their family philosophy is that failure is actually the greatest success, not because of any achievement that one reaches, but rather because you learn far more from a failure than you do from a success.

I think that over the last year I have had plenty of failures to learn from, hopefully I have indeed learned from them. Yet, if the only thing that I have accomplished is the knowledge that I cannot achieve anything without God, then all has not been in vain. Sure, there are still things that I would like to have done differently, but wishing won’t make it so and all that it serves is to keep me in a place that is gone forever.

In the midst of my regret, I remember that my God is bigger than my failures. He is bigger than my weakness. He is even bigger than me trying to do the right things and say the right things and completely forgetting my Source. He is big enough to work in them, through them, and to still use me after them.

Kinda cool, isn’t it? ;)

And so, I have decided to live without regrets. I do very much wish that I could stand, and declare to all of cyberspace that I will maximize the rest of my days to never have the slightest chance of regret again. But I cannot. I would be kidding myself and lying to you. Rather, I will learn from every failure, and seek God’s will through it, knowing that my God is big enough to create a success out of my failure.

In short, I will…
Keep Moving Forward!

“I understand why regrets are in vain – they keep your mind and heart in a place that is no more and prevent you from living the life you have.”
Kofi- The Captive by Joyce Hansen

Non Nobis Domine!