Sunday, January 1, 2012

Worth It.

“We dont do easy.” 
“Why? Why dont we do easy? Why? Why just once, just once cant we do easy?! What’s wrong with easy? Easy isnt so bad? Other people get it... why the heck cant I have easy?” 
“Because you asked for a life worth telling about.” 
“Well I certainly didnt know that I was asking for this... and you know what? Actually I dont want a life worth telling about. I want normal, and yes I know that’s a setting on a washing machine but I dont care anymore it’s what I want. I cant take any more of this.” 
This was a conversation with God. Obviously, He is the rational one and I am the one ranting about wanting easy as though I’m a child that doesnt like homework or chores. This was pretty much my year, played over and over again like a broken record. Life was hard this year. Very hard. Very scary. Very painful. 
Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. 
Terrifying. Painful. Exhausting. 
I wanted to die. I almost did die. I wanted it to end and I didnt want to hurt anymore. I craved easy. I craved a life that I could control and order about an make everything okay again. I wanted the pain to stop, or I wanted it controlable, and I didnt much care how it did. 
The pain didnt stop. I didnt die. Nothing was under my control. It didnt matter what I found to cling to, it would be taken away from me. 
Nothing was safe. Nothing was secure. Nothing was easy. 
Then about a month ago I sat in a tree, my heart and lungs pounding from the run to get there. The pain in my stomach (yet one more thing I couldnt seem to control) once again to the point near unbearable. And I sobbed. I sobbed like I hadnt in a long time. And in that moment, I stopped. I stopped asking God for easy. I opened my hands. I let go. 
“I dont need easy God. but I need to know that you are not going to leave me in this along. Ask me to walk through whatever you want, but I am begging you, do not make me do it myself. I cant. I dont need easy, I just need possible and I just need You. All I am asking for is enough guts to keep on living. To keep getting up day after day. Your strength to keep going.”
Supposed to be so wonderful. So amazing. So heavenly. All that I feel is exhaustion. Like you might feel after you have been running away for a very long time and you finally go home. 
The next day I have to fight for it again. 
And then next week.
“God, I told you I wasnt going to ask for easy again, well I’m not, but what I am asking for is worth it. This pain, this heartache, this overwhelming grief. That it might all someday be worth it.”
And week after. Again.
And today. Again.  
I have to fight. To not take back control. To surrender. To fight for the belief that God is big enough. Strong enough. Loving enough. Truth enough. Good enough. That when I beg Him not to leave me, He wont. That when I beg Him that this will someday be worth it, it will. 
To fight for faith greater than what I had yesterday. 
That is what I ask of Him for 2012. 
Faith greater than yesterday. 
To never be asked to go it alone. 
For worth it. 
He promised, and I will choose to believe Him.